My Innate Inability

Before I begin, I would like to take the opportunity to wish all Waydespective viewers a Happy New Year and a good 2019 ahead! While I certainly wish for 2019 to pass by fast, I will not be giving up on this blog, but instead continue to bring to you insights into current affairs and happenings in my life. Nothing will really change, I will still aim to bring a post every week (maybe skipping a week once in a while to take a break).

This week, as there are not that many happenings in the current affairs scene, I will be writing on something that is rather difficult for me to express, yet has been a rather personal issue I've been facing for a while.

I'm unable to cry to express sadness or being touched.

Firstly, to clarify, this is not to say I am totally unable to cry. I'm able to laugh till I cry, and I can tear up when I feel indignant or when there's injustice brought against me. However, when it comes to sadness or being touched, it is very hard for me to express myself, I don't really express sadness on my face, nor can I cry, so it sometimes makes for awkward moments.

One key example is in the lead up to my Graduation from NUSHS back in 2017. The convocation was a very solemn affair, with an emotional tribute from our valedictorian and afterwards singing the school song for the last time, I was certainly feeling very sad, but couldn't even feel tearful. Even when a close friend surprised me by turning up for the post-reception, I was sincerely touched but also couldn't cry.

During the farewell from my CCA, Drama Club, a lot of tears were being shed, both from my graduating batch and from our juniors. I was also close to many of my Drama juniors, who put on a very touching tribute to us seniors. Yet, I was still unable to cry despite feeling emotional. Even when a junior apologized for a previous misunderstanding that caused us unhappiness, I didn't know how to react but instead smirked, which looked very awkward.

In early 2017, I was rejected by a girl who I really liked for more than a year. The harsh rejection plunged me into a depressive state (note: not depression, I don't quite rule it as depression if it isn't medically diagnosed) for a rather long period, it took me a few months to really get back to being myself again. Through those few months I had days that I really didn't want to get out of bed, or just going to school seemed quite pointless. But never once did I, or should I say could I, shed a tear over the incident.

I notice that many people around me tend to cry when they watch touching movies. This is why I also occasionally binge on emotionally charged movies. The most recent being More Than Blue, a Taiwanese movie, and Crazy Rich Asians last year. Some time back I also read The Fault in Our Stars. I also recall in my distant memory watching The Hunger Games (all 4 movies), while it was more of an action quad-logy, there were moments which made my friends cry. I even watched the often-overly-emotionally charged Channel 8 dramas (the good ones such as The Oath, C.L.I.F, Secrets for Sale, among others) but still couldn't find it in me to cry even at the saddest and most tragic scenes, not forgetting Descendants of the Sun too! In my history I've only cried over one movie, and that's because it depicted an elderly couple fighting through whatever limited time they have left, and passing on within minutes of each other.

Perhaps, and indeed, crying is certainly not my coping mechanism. I can feel sad and touched, but it may not really show on my face, which is why I sometimes prefer writing. The rejection incident made me realize that when something bad happens, I'd rather plunge myself into more work and make myself more busy in order to forget unhappy situations. But what is my coping mechanism for feeling touched or sad during movies/shows? Normally people will feel touched or sad and start crying, but it really doesn't happen to me. Is it because I just can't cry for these reasons, or is it I don't fully relate because I lack romantic relationship experience? Either ways, I do feel a large extent of the intended emotions, just that I can't show it on my face or through tears.

Perhaps one of my viewers can enlighten me on my issues by privately messaging me, or maybe try to suggest a movie/book/show that will really make me an emotional wreck.

Challenge Accepted.

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