Year 2018: A review

Perhaps this post will be the most expected post since the start of Waydespectives, given the date of 31 December 2018.

I decided to write this post in a more personal format. Which means that I will be listing some thoughts as the year comes to an end. But unlike previous posts, I won't try to persuade the reader of my points, but rather this will be more of a reflection written in a personal tone. It may be a bit messy but for those who want to know how my year went, do read on. 

I may sound unusually critical or overpositive about some things, but I will not name-drop as I do not wish to challenge anyone via blog; I'll settle my problems personally. 

And now, here is my 2018 in review:

2018 indeed was a weird ride. It's really strange how our life can suddenly change path with just a letter, an action, an email, or even just a text, let alone a year. It's interesting how where I thought I was going on a clear path in 2019, but here I will be after many twists and turns. 

For example, this time last year I was pretty sure now I wouldn't be in Singapore, and to be pursuing my studies in the UK. Of course initially it was a distant dream, but the first few months of 2018 saw me inch closer and closer to my dream. But then came a Cambridge rejection, then an Imperial rejection, then an MOE rejection, and then a PSC rejection. Boom, I was left scrambling and grasping and reevaluating what's the best path forward. 

I was certainly down and out for a while because of so many rejections, but towards the end I receive acceptances from NUS and SMU Law, which I then took a while to decide and eventually went to NUS Law.

Up till now, yesterday even, I still get asked on why I didn't get scholarships and why I didn't get into Cambridge/Imperial. To be honest, I don't know, perhaps I'm just not good enough. It's also strange because my ex-classmates (the guys) are re-applying to top overseas universities. If I wanted to, I could re-apply, but it feels odd because I don't have that fire in me anymore to want to pursue the top places in the UK. Perhaps I'm already satisfied with NUS Law. It is definitely a good place to study, but I'll have to contend with the knowledge that it was never my first choice to begin with. Which is why when people say "NUS Law very good what", of course I acknowledge it, that's why I don't intend to reapply overseas. But the fact remains it wasn't my first choice. It was a choice fate decided to hand to me, 我认命，我接受。

Though, as for scholarships, I definitely do not rule out re-applying, just that I'm considering where to apply for.

For the NS front, if you ask me if I have fully grasped the idea of having to give my life (not just 2 years) to the country, I honestly have not. I still think that there are better ways for me to serve 2 years, where I can still give back to my country. (And SAF is kinda inefficient but that's for another story) But I'm appreciative of NS to some extent. It definitely has taught me some things.

NS taught me discipline. Not only did I manage to wake at 0445 during BMT, but it also got me to pick up swimming (which I try to diligently do every HLS day). It has also taught me skills like tying boots, shining boots, washing clothes BY HAND, and sleeping in the wilderness. This was where I also meet people of different backgrounds, learn how to interact (though I still stutter a lot), and learn some taboos in the real world that JC people make (no, kids, you really don't "play mother" in the real world, to many it's considered highly offensive).

It has also exposed me to rather ugly sides of the real world. Kind people get hurt the most, because they get taken advantage of. People don't care how much effort you put in, or how limited the deadline is, just that you have to get the job done. Perhaps this was why I despised my ex-boss, for being too results oriented and dismissing my cries for help as "not wanting to do the job". Although I'm glad he's gone, but he did teach me some leadership skills (and excel skills). Sometimes "tough love" trumps incentives, but one should never fully stick to either option. I still get my welfare despite going through hell, which was why I pretty much stayed on and still work my hardest. My office also reaffirms the idea that you can be great friends with someone but really detest working with them. But I really treasure these friendships, for they go beyond these 2 years. My work will end on 19 Feb 2020, but my friendships will go on.

For family and non-NS friends, I'm very grateful for most of this bunch. Family has been there for me even in the darkest days. Every bookout (which is every single day nowadays), my mum will be there to drive me home, and every morning she's more than willing to wake me up and drive me to camp. Every single place I'm going, even the nearby driving centre, she will offer to drive me. Hopefully soon I can drive her and the family around. Dad is always there to help when I need advice for NS and university, and is always asking if I have enough money to go around (actually more would be good but I really don't wanna take my parents' money). The brother is always there to provide me some top class entertainment and entertains my bad memes, and I probably will miss him when he goes to hostel next year.

For non-NS friends, I was a bit sad this time last year because I knew I'd probably lose a few friends. But I was more surprised instead that I gained more than I lost (and that's not just my weight)! I'm glad that most of my grad trip group (all but 1) are still meeting with each other regularly, in fact perhaps too regularly, heh. I also have not lost contact with the friends I made and got close to via hostel. I'm also very comforted to know that I still catch up with many friends of the past too! Be it some always being there, some catching up once in a few months, and some I haven't really talked to in years! In fact, recently I started talking to a couple of people who I thought hated me back in NUSHS, and I think the conversations are going well, so the hatchet is buried, I hope?

I also saw through the Class of 2018 graduate, and I am very proud of them as a senior. Although I've been treating them as juniors for very long, I am glad to have met friends along the way, and now that we're on equal footing, some of them are now my good friends and the girls of this batch are gonna be my uni seniors OH NO.

I'm also rather proud of myself for chopping off some people. In the past, I used to try too hard to be everyone's friend. Now, for those who I really cannot deal with or those who are toxic, I have chopped them off from my life and decisively not to contact them again. It took courage as some of them were indeed close, but it's a decision I must make to prevent bad memories from infecting my life. As time goes by, I probably will be chopping more people away, but that only means that those who stay mean even more. If someone doesn't want to put in effort to the friendship, be it giving condescending replies or not replying for days at hand, I'm more than ready to chop the person.

As for love and relationships, it was a good run this time, but back to square 1 I go! At least this time it's a decision on my end and not a forced one :). Perhaps I need to take a break from this, and maybe just continue swiping Tinder for fun, haha. Perhaps some are right to say that being desperate for a relationship is just an NS thing. Hopefully things change for the better, I'll try to change for the better too.

Unlike many past years, I don't have much expectations for 2019. I don't really need that CO's coin or a CFC rank. I just want 2019 to pass by quickly without any major issues. I hope to learn more skills in NS (secretly eyeing a cooking course) and to maintain my friendships both in and out of camp. In 2019, I will focus on learning, and not so much of achievements. Though a scholarship won't hurt, right? ;)

But honestly, may 2019 pass by quickly and smoothly. That's all I ask. Just let me ORD and continue with my civilian life.

To all readers, thank you for reading until here despite a very long post. I wish you a successful 2019. And remember that the harder the struggle, the more glorious the triumph. Per aspera ad astra (through hardship to the stars).